“We are living in a state of fear based on illusion. The reality is not as bad as we think it is.”

It’s such a seemingly simple word, so often used in day to day communications.  Most don’t associate it with fear – the kind that makes your heart beat faster and your stomach muscles tighten.  Most, however, are not like me.  “No” is not a word I’ve ever been terribly comfortable with.  I worry I’ll anger or disappoint with it, and two things I fight like hell to avoid are conflict and my own failings.  The less I know someone, the less likely it is I’ll be able to summon up the courage to use it.  I smile and appease as much as I can, even if it means making insane commitments or running myself to the edge of exhaustion.  When I do pull this tiny word out of the depths, it brings with it an emotional avalanche.

Many would tell me that I’m being silly.  That there’s nothing to be afraid of.  That it’s not a hard thing to do.  In my best attempt to be understanding and reasonable, I would reply that fear is often irrational and an immense struggle to overcome.

Others would ask me why.  Why is the simple act of expressing my wants or opinions so difficult?

Their guess is as good as mine, I suppose.


~ by Ashlee on November 5, 2012.

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