It’s been about a month since the topic of having a baby first came up.  We agreed on a timeline of within the next two years.  Tonight we talked more in depth about starting a family.  It took us longer than most, I suppose – longer than many expected.  We’ve had so many years of struggle and uncertainty, it always seemed like the wrong time.  At 25 and 27 we’ve had time to mature a little, learn about ourselves separately and as a couple, and think about what we want in life.  We’re both ready for more.

I suppose many would wait for schooling to be done and careers begun before making plans for a family, and I don’t think that’s a bad thing.  I just don’t think it’s the route for us.  The family losses we’ve suffered in recent years has really driven home the fact that for some things, life is just too short to wait.  We have years ahead of us to obtain certifications, degrees, and jobs, though.  We don’t have forever to become parents and watch our children grow and I would trade or put my other dreams on hold for this.

Are we nervous?  Of course.  John more than myself, I think.  Having a baby will be a huge change.  There will be all types of new responsibilities.  Our life will be completely different.  I know that John is anxious.  He’s concerned he may not know how to be a father.  He worries that he won’t be happy, and that we won’t be able to handle it financially or emotionally.  His family does not support us in this for other reasons.

I have so many fears, myself.  I don’t know if I have it in me.  Yes I love and cherish children, but do I have what it takes to be a mother?  So many illnesses run in my family.  What about the risks of birth defects, medical problems, and emotional conditions?  Could I handle a child who lives with one or more of these struggles?  I don’t even know if we can have children.  My cervix could be incompetent to carry a baby to term due to the LEEP.  Most of John’s maternal relatives can’t or had trouble conceiving.  That combined that with my history of ovarian cysts and being overweight increases the chances of complications.  We may need medical intervention just to conceive.  We may have to wait years.  My body may not give us enough time.

Despite the creeping doubts and anxiety, tonight we’ve taken the first step to trying to conceive.  We’ve done a lot of thinking before making this decision.  I believe that’s a good thing, though.  Parenthood isn’t something that should be entered into without consideration.  It’s by far the most overwhelming, frightening, exciting, and biggest plan we’ve ever made together.  It may or may not be easy.  It may not be what we expect.  The important thing is, I know in my heart that no matter what it takes to make this dream come true, it will be 100% worth it.


~ by Ashlee on October 29, 2012.

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