Would you miss me?

Someone asked me that recently.  I was at somewhat of a loss for words.  It sounds callous I suppose, but the truth is I rarely miss anybody.  It’s not that I don’t like people – well, all people.  It’s just not often I get close enough to someone to miss them when they’re gone.

Lately I’ve often thought about why I don’t get close to many people.  I imagine it’s partly a defense mechanism.  Vulnerability frightens me.  The closer someone gets to me, the more they can hurt me later.  I avoid deep connections to protect myself from that heartache.  Often even if I do manage a whisper of kinship, I’m plagued with constant insecurity regarding how they feel about me.  I believe another part of it is my nearly autonomic tendency to dissociate from my emotions.  I numb myself so that I don’t have to face pain.  I bury my hurt in order to give myself the illusion of control.

What I don’t know is why some people still manage to break through.  They are rare, but there are people who I trust unquestioningly.  It never fails to surprise me when I’m taken with the urge to talk to them, or when I’m happy to ride around, go swimming, or just hang out with them without hesitation or fear.  Being so comfortable with a person feels foreign to me and though it’s somewhat scary, I embrace it – sometimes too much.

What is it about those people that allows them to so effortlessly break through all of my defenses?  Why do I form such deep, intense connections with some people when I struggle to maintain the shallowest friendships with most everyone else – even those I want to be close to?

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~ by Ashlee on August 20, 2012.

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