Broken euphony

Someone make a list for me so I can expect, in my state of cacophony, what else is going to go off course today. I don’t want anymore bad surprises. Walgreen’s can burn down and never be reconstructed. My computer can quit fucking lagging and someone could talk to me and make me feel a bit better about being me. I have ten new messages in my inbox, and none of them are emails to me. Why would obviously be because nobody wanted to email me today or anytime yesterday. Well whatever works for you.

Not to mention, I love being lied to. It’s just like my family to do something like telling me that someone would pick me up from school and nobody showing up. That was nice. Really nice. Thank you.

I swear I need some mind numbing drugs. Or maybe I need to spend some time relaxing. Pedro’s fucking batteries need to be charged AGAIN. What the fuck, huh? Then, me showing the pass to my study hall teacher and him saying “Okay Ashlee. Go ahead.” isn’t enough because apparently I was marked absent there yesterday. Fuck off.

It’s always a good idea, as well, to show up late for school. I was only in second hour for four minutes, after all. Why? As I was going to bed last night my mother told me someone would take me to school this morning. As I was getting ready for school today, I heard that dumbass someone start-up their truck and drive away. So, what else would I do; I went back to sleep. Then I was woken up at eight something to go to school late – fun. I return to psychology to find that I am a complete and total loser, and on the side, I’m an idiot. Why am I still around? Move on to lunch where I actually felt as if I meant something for a while standing in line there with Katie and Geri and Felicia and Ashley. That was a surprise. I really missed the table outside – we haven’t been able to sit there for about two weeks. Well, I haven’t. It felt good to be there again, no doubt. To study hall, to the library, where I felt disconnected and couldn’t do anything but stare at Dizzy’s picture, talk to Geri, and wish I had my camera. Enter AP Lang, the class I love more than any class I’m taking, and I continued to feel valueless, wayward, unintelligent, and insipid. That’s a first, for that class usually makes me feel happy for the day. Sometimes it even makes me feel smart. Next, Gym, which always overwhelms me with the feelings of uselessness, invisibility, unimportance, and stupidity. Aside from Shawn deciding to ignore Mary and talk to me about how annoying Mary is, nothing changed. Exit gym and enter hallway where I saw Steven. I asked him why everything is so…. blah. He said he didn’t know, and I asked him to make it stop seeming that way. So he gave me a hug and did a magic hand wave that was supposed to make everything antiblah.
Continue the hallway where I gladly ran into Tom and saw his new Manson shirt, noted his contacts, and joined as Haley made him walk to journalism with she and I. Sit through journalism, pondering the meaning of life, result, effort, and other such things, while seeing every living person around me buzzing at a million miles per hour. Actually feeling alright seeing Kre happy, and seeing Felicia sit down for a short but extended amount of time to do what she needs to do more often: absolutely nothing. Ignore bad grammar. Have a short conversation with Haley about how almost everybody gets on my nerves (including she), but that someone gets on your nerves does not mean that you hate them. Discuss with Amanda the suspected purpose of semi-colons. Exit journalism, successfully avoiding Bergman so she cannot make me feel worthless, walk down the hallway with Anna hoping she will improve the day some, see Tom, deliver hug. Donnie nearly clothesline Anna while he attempts to pat my head and tell me he likes the blue in my hair, and then meet up with Geri as Anna is forced to go to play practice. Be made aware that Donnie’s mouth is a little too big for his head, and speak on any other topic that came to mind. Small conversing with Geri’s mom (not torture), move on to the parking lot where somebody is not waiting for me. Proceed home to find that my pictures didn’t work – AGAIN. Wish that Walgreen’s weren’t such bitches and that they’d at least apologize for fucking up four times, plot how to burn the store down, then lay down and cry. Cry, and cry, and cry, and cry, and cry. Stop for a short time to think with dry eyes, then cry for another hour or so. Nearly trip and fall walking to the other room, listen to mom bitch again, sit in this very chair, open email to feel alone, cry, and look at pictures. Open wordpress to rant and rave about my day which nobody cares about. Play relaxing music and cry and type and cry and type and cry. Enter a short description and the name of this html page, then press done and check my buddy list for other rants and raves and things far more interesting than myself. Wonder if I’m going to cry again. Wonder who cleaned my room.

Sit in motionless silence… cry again.

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~ by Ashlee on October 20, 2004.

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