and they’re always glad you came…

Does it always feel the same?

No… I know that’s not right. It feels different sometimes. I remember. Sometimes I felt empty. Sometimes I felt numb.

But this time I feel that too often occurring feeling. The feeling of sadness. The feeling of being exposed. The feeling of guilt. I think that the logical part of the mind is temporarily mixed up and swirled around, and so it still attempts to reason but fails to get any work done. For this particular feeling, it seems to always end up at “It’s a bad thing. Bad people do it. It’s wrong. Somebody did this to me. Therefore something must be wrong with me. I must be bad. It’s my fault. I’m bad. I’m wrong.”

And that’s how it comes out into the conscious. But Jesus. It’s never your fault. Where does this guilt come from, anyway. Society? Who knows.
This is all wrong, in every way. It needs to stop now. All of it needs to stop. It’s not our fault. It is not our fault.

I give up. I feel resigned. I’m going to end my cognitive process for the night and stick to purely necessary operations.

John John. Lauren. Thank you for being wonderful.


~ by Ashlee on October 14, 2004.

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