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I’m tired. I just am. Dark Avenger.
No scene. You bet.
I just remembered.. what I was going to add when I got home from school today. It was something, I believe, around the area of:

Okay, fine, bitch. Just fucking walk away. Don’t talk to me, don’t wait for me. Whatever works for you. And then come out to us at lunch. I’m sorry, was I supposed to forget? Because today was the day I didn’t forget when people tried to hurt me. I’ll tell you next time I have one of those days, so you can hurt me and I won’t feel it the way I did today.
“I need new friends.”
Way to make a person feel good. I forgot that I had some kind of duty to perform at a time when there are four people in a garage and two of them are argueing, about what, they don’t even know. Remind me next time, what I was supposed to do, and what John was supposed to do, while you and Aaron were standing there argueing. I’m not sure what anybody else would have done, but I found it appropriate to keep my nose out of a place where it couldn’t fit.
I also realize, Lois, that you are older and you don’t understand our “ways,” But please do not stand there while I am nervously chilling on the landing of your house with John next to me and Aaron in the kitchen, and ask me why I hang out with John, Aaron, and Lauren, and what I see in them; and what I see in John; and why I always wear pants and don’t dress like a ‘young lady.’ I’m not able to be rude to you. Therefore, you see, I am not equipped to deal with that. Don’t you dare get rid of Sam.

So.
Spending what… an hour? in that evil bitches office listening to her patronize the shit out of Geri and flat out negatize me. That felt great. Just great.
Mr Llewellyn is way too busy to listen to anybody I guess. I may as well just not go back to any counsellor.. ever. Not if they’re going to keep sending me to her. She infuriates me. To no end.
I can’t say I can blame Mr Llewellyn really. I wouldn’t want to sit there and listen to my shit either.
That woman must have never been a ‘teenager,’ because man, she just really doesn’t understand. Sometimes people get overwhelmed. Sometimes people can’t take it anymore. Sometimes we can be depressed and sad and crying for no reason. I suppose, though, that if people I consider my friends can’t understand that, I shouldn’t ever expect her to.
Don’t ever sit there and tell me to stop hugging my friend. I need my friends more than anything. They have days too, and some of them let me down sometimes, they hurt me sometimes, but I still need them. All the time. They’re the best people in the world. So shut the fuck up. She couldn’t have just left us alone. Sending Geri to Mrs Bucklew. Don’t fucking take my friend away from me. How can one person do everything wrong in the span of fifteen minutes. You know if you answer that I’ll smack you. Why is she even in there. Why were we even in there? I should have just asked for someone else. Anybody else. Anybody but her. First impressions and all, you know. I’m not comfortable with her. And she has never given me a reason to be.

“Clearly the visualizations didn’t work.”
Fuck off. Don’t even give me that shit. Christ, I can’t do any fucking thing right. Hate me all you want. Its not my fault you can’t relate.
Mom… christ. I don’t want to talk about it. Not to you. Give me someone who can understand. Quit. Just quit.

This wasn’t fair to Geri. None of it was. I don’t know how she’s feeling right now. Hopefully better after having a good cry. I’m as tired and worn out as the original sins. I don’t want to go to sleep. Leave me alone. I don’t want to go to sleep yet. Sleep monster. Leave me be. I’m not in the mood for your persuasion. Just leave me alone. You hurt me. Sleeping won’t solve anything right now. I need a distraction. Thats what this is for. *motions to wordpress window*

Thank goodness for Switchfoot. The Tosca Tango Orchestra. Silverchair. Bush. Eve 6. Seether. Amy Lee. Semisonic. Shawn Mullins. Shinedown. Radiohead. Kris. Sinch. Ozzy. Manson. Metallica. Nuerosis. And the Apache Honoring Song. Strike me down if I should ever wander away. Am I at my senses? No, not quite. Give me a little more time then. My eyes hurt.

Give me pictures. Now. Pictures now. Pictures to see, pictures to scan, pictures to share. Pictures to edit. Or add to a website. Just give me pictures Please. Or a sedative. Some people really don’t get it.

I feel so helpless sometimes. I just do. I don’t know what else people expect from me. I’m convinced, however, that if I don’t already know they expect it from me, I’ll probably fail miserably at doing it.

I didn’t know I’d have a beautiful tomorrow if I’d just pretend the world went away.
Why the fuck didn’t somebody tell me that before.
I guess that now I know.

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~ by Ashlee on October 6, 2004.

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