What happened to dancing in the journalism room

Okay fine. I’ll say at this moment, I am borderline. It’s no secret that my emotions are going to go up and down. But I’m not completely clueless. Maybe I know even when my friends don’t know, that they’ve just blown off something that’s a problem with me. They don’t want to listen. So they pretend that it’s not there.
But what am I even talking about. I’m introverted, and I have trouble expressing things. It’s not as if I was literally crying on the phone. Wait. Yes I was.
I’m sure there’s nothing wrong. I don’t need to talk to any of my friends or anything. I really don’t need to sit down and spill out something, because, of course, there’s nothing that could possibly be on top of me like a rock right now. I can’t help but keep thinking, this is why I chose such a long time ago to stop making friends and stop getting attached. When I make friends, I get attached, and I can’t just break that attachment and I can’t change the fact that I love them, and I can’t get rid of the fact that I need them and I always will.
I hate being dependant on people. People are too undependable to depend on. It’s a trap.
Of course I can talk to Ray. But honestly, how is that fair. I haven’t talked to anyone but him this past two months about anything that was hurting me. He shouldn’t have to go through that with me all the damned time.
I haven’t felt anywhere near this alone since that very first day in Baldwin when I finally knew just exactly how much my parents didn’t want me and would rather I just wasn’t so much trouble. I never wanted to feel this alone again. That is what I said, isn’t it? Yes. I said that to myself. I said that if my parents didn’t want me, and I couldn’t mean something to them, then I didn’t want to ever have to feel that abandoned again. And so I was going to stop talking, and stop making friends, and stop doing everything that had to do with anybody else, because it wasn’t worth the risk.
What happened to that?
crimony. Jr high happened. And it wasn’t entirely that I’m sure. It was high school. But really, jr high did me in. A lot of good things came out of doing me in like that, but now look where I’m sitting. Why did I do this. I hate being dependant. On. Anything. Somebody’s going to help me make up my mind sometime, so I guess everyone who I might be something to in life will have to rely on those people or that person and count on them not to help me realize again that it’s not worth it. Please don’t let me go there again. It’s cold there. And its lonely there.

And I’m going to be completely alone every night this week. Some moron says I should ‘enjoy the time alone.’ I have enough alone time in my own pathetic mind. I don’t need or want that extra. I’m tired of being alone. I should just burn this fucking cd and forget everything else because crying my eyes out doesn’t help not being able to breathe. And nobody’s currently listening to me, or willing to listen to me, I’m sure of it. So I shouldn’t listen to me.

what happened to the me that was dancing in the journalism room.
Please, somebody suck out all of my intelligence, even just for one day. I want to walk around a mindless moron for a short amount of time. I’m tired of going through this process now.
Somebody fix me, somebody save me. Or somebody take away my ability to notice that I’m being abandoned again.
I’m going to go feel sorry for myself somewhere else. Christ just shoot me. f;alskdjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjsfaj;fa;dfffff fds;lfassssssssas;f ;fdasfj;sa;aaf;ass ladsfjasfass;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;


~ by Ashlee on September 15, 2004.

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