I feel it…. yes…. I’m broken…

Okay lady taking my picture to make my ID who didn’t listen to me. Spell my name wrong. That’s okay. You’ll see me again on Tuesday, and if its wrong again, then Wednesday, and Thursday, and Friday, until we get it right.

Crimony. What can I do this weekend to get my mind off of the fact that I SUCK?

It figures I would go to school today without a coat on the day they BLAST the air conditioning, and I would have plenty of sleep the night before the day that I have a 2 hour block with the teacher gone, leaving us to do NoThInG the entire hour. Again, what the fuck.

Since you’re currently not around.

Happy birthday.
>

I looooooove you. Even if you have amnesia all the way back to march.

I didn’t cry nearly enough at Walgreens. I really didn’t. I need to trigger something and make myself cry until I’m sick and then cry some more. I literally feel so broken. I really can’t seem to take anything lately.  It’s like everything is monotonous already, and I’m invisible to people at all the wrong times.

Probably the only thing that hasn’t hurt my feelings lately is this chicken that I’m eating. I don’t need to be listening to this song but I know I’m not going to turn it off.

I miss you Andy. I miss you John. I miss you Candy. I miss you Joe.

You’d think it would be interesting or fun or relaxing to be all alone all weekend. I’m not so sure it’s going to be. Knowing me… the way I do… I won’t even start to make those phone calls for support that I’ll need. I’ll lay down and I’ll stare at the ceiling and think about what would happen if the roof fell in on me, if carbon monoxide started leaking into my room, if a fire would start, if someone would break in and kill me…. or if I could just find one can containing that deadly disease that grows inside of food cans. I will then undoubtedly consider my other options, realize I’m all alone, and I’ll either cry, go to sleep, do those one after the other, or set about looking for that special poofed-out can while I shut all the doors (but not locking them) and windows waiting for that CM alarm to go off. Maybe I’ll even throw in a steamy piece of silverware or two.

God I hate being in the fucking way.

Knowing myself, again… I’ll rationalize with myself because I promised Seth I’d see him play in concert soon. I can’t break that. That would be rude as hell. So I’ll resort to laying in my bed and thinking about all the alternatives I missed the first time.

I’m such a shitty person.

I wonder if you actually can overdose on vitamin b.

Why do I keep doing this? it’s not as if I cant just give up…

I do it for the love?

No.

I do it for the drugs?

Definitely not.

I do it for the bottle?

Fuck that.

I do it just to feel alive…..

I’m thinking no.

Hell…. who knows why I do it.

My head is ringing.

I think its dangerous to be so attached to people.

Okay…. this jokes not funny anymore…… you can come back now.

I really need you.

I sound so desperate.

But I really do need you so badly.

I really… really… do…

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~ by Ashlee on September 3, 2004.

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