Who knows? No really, who, because it’s not me.

fas·cist (fash-ist) n. A reactionary or dictatorial person.101 Ways to Annoy a Fascist By The Deth Vegetable: 31) Call him an anus.32) Call him a gonad. 33) Call George Bush a gonad. 34) Blow up his Porsche. 35) Blow up his Pit-bull.

I am so insecure today. I awoke this morning with still left-over morose from my sick day – being yesterday. All of me being, I had no idea what to do. But no, no skipping school today. I successfully avoided another suicide prompt and made it out unscathed aside from a few ouchies. Me.. feeling so insecure today. The world.. ready to take meh down. Maybe. Phunnah. Funnah with a “ph”…d…

Spork (put your punch line here) says: haha!

Anyway.. that white outdoors bag is still outside. Go–sshhddd–damnit, it’s still outside. I’ve been comparing myself to it day after day. I felt so insecure this morning, I procured a rarity.. upon my person I placed two tank-tops, one long sleeve shirt, one long(in length) super-big t-shirt, and my coat-jacket. If you’re wondering what a coat-jacket is.. it’s a thing that in looks, is much like a jacket, but in actuality, feels and warms such as a coat would.

I have avoided myself little, lately. My insecurity. I provided myself a bit of padding against the bumps and bruises of the worlds spilt wine glasses. I say wine glasses, mostly because of the music I’m wearing. That’s right, wearing. You are able to ‘wear’ music in the situation in which it effects you so that it invades your personality and changes things that you would normally do or feel or say. For instance.. I normally don’t even think about wine glasses… not even if somebody mentions one. Sitting placed here, listening to Glover Gill, Frédéric Chopin, and Tosca Tango Orchestra, I feel like one of those eccentric old women.. or men… who sits in their old red crush-velvet chairs in their library or their study with only a glass of wine(note, the glass of wine ideology), and their notebook, writing out the pieces of their life. Perhaps this is me.. or perhaps this will one day be me. Sitting in my robe of red or maroon, on my chair of red or maroon, writing my whole life away. And of course… my hair will be all a stray.

Back to the topic…

I feel like I have an atomic bomb in my stomach. Joy to me.

Back to that bag..

As I was on the way home today, I remembered again that, my wish had come… that it was raining. Yey. I so enjoy the rain, but I should talk about that another day. –there I go sounding like that crazy old person again, *messes up tuffles of old wild hair*–I saw the bag today. As I said, it was stuck on a branch for some time… It got loose, but its stuck again Im afraid. On that stick. On the sidewalk, even. Today it was different though. Today it had been rained on. Rained down. There it lay… dead. Beaten down by the rain. Sometimes a simple plastic bag cannot withstand and survive against the rain. Yes, that bag of the outdoors. He has died. Or she. County Market, maybe. It has died. –by the way, I noted that they trick you here, with the spaces. If you notice, they only put one space after the period, no matter how many you place. They would love you to do this yourself, therefore they make two spaces look like too much. If two is too much, then three is exasperating, no? Si. Your only alternative is to go to one. There, I’m done. —

The bag, beaten down by the rain. The poor guy. Girl.. guy.. wtf. It’s a bag. I wonder if it still has feelings. I should be doing my homework today. Its fucking weeks overdue. Wtf is wrong with me. I’m such a jackass… and a loser to boot. I’ve confined myself into taking sick days when I’m not really sick and not doing at all any of my work and denying I have anything and hiding behind five layers of fucking clothes for chrissake. geez.

Guess I got lost in the moment there. You should see this add here.. at the top of the page… “Fancy A Spanklin?” With a slutty woman and her “switch” twig. No I do not, thank you. I feel so fired today. I went out to the (animal) shelter to make me feel better, and took many pictures. Normally I go out to work there, but I didn’t today. Poor kitty Regis was limping, he got hurteded. I got to see my sweetie-kitty Eris, and my sweetie-doggie, Molly. Shes a dahhhlin. A real dahhhlin. hmm…something like… Don’t you know? It’s not about how you feel, its how you look! And how do you look? Mahhhvelous!” I will kill him. Geez

I couldn’t feel much more alone today.
Subtract that, I could…

And I have.. So I’m exaggerating. Alright.. I couldn’t feel much more alone than I have just lately. Depressed… alone.. abandon… disliked… unwanted.. diswanted?… stupid… outcasted… un-needed…(not sure about the dash in that one)… hey its the works. I gave someone a kiss today and I almost cried. Ive almost cried a lot lately.. and really cried a little more.

You know… I still don’t ‘fancy a spanklin’…

Oh hate me.

Wow, I just cried. See this, please.


~ by Ashlee on March 23, 2004.

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